Tom's Desert Island Discs no.3- "Whenever, Whenever", by Shakira.

Only joking. I do quite like Shakira though- that mix of basically naff and painfully earnest. And what a fantastic derriere.

Tom's Desert Island Discs, no. 2

"There She Goes", by The La's

Blah, blah, more music-press approved muso guff, why can't he just admit to loving Sinitta and Kylie ? Well, far from waiting for muso approaval, I can tell you the first time I ever heard this song. On a radio session for Liz Kershaw's early evening Radio 1 show, some time in early 1988. I knew the La's from their indie hit "Way Out", and quite liked them, despite their obvious 60s affectations, which every other indie band did at the time and was tediously ubiquitous.

"There She Goes" makes no attempt to hide its 60s influences. The title is a virtually direct steal from the Velvet Underground, and the riff could easily have wandered off one of the Byrds' hit singles. But what a riff. What a beautifully keening vocal. What a stately waltz rhythm. I bought it as soon as it was released as a single, though it wasn't the hit it deserved to be until it was re-released in the wake of the Stone Roses, a year or so later. I walked onto a dancefloor and danced to it, walking stright away from the girl who properly broke my heart for the first time. There were a few more to follow............

Who cares if it's about a woman, or smack, or philately ? It's just, as a colleague of mine once said ,as he heard it on the radio for the first time, a nice little song. I actually think it's more-it's a beautiful little song.

Nice to know I can get spam even here. What the fewk.

Thought i'd indulge myself. In no particular order, here is one of

Tom's Desert Island Discs

Because the Night, by Patti Smith

1978 was a pivotal year in popular music. Punk rock was shaking the foundations of Britain and America, disco was smuggling homosexuality into the mainstream, while Kraftwerk were inventing electropop. So the high seers of music journalism attest- I, however, was not an NME reader at that time. I was 7. "Remember You're a Womble" had recently been supplanted by "I've Got a Brand New Combine Harvester" in my then Desert Island Discs. But I remember "Because the Night" more clearly than any other rock song of the time.

I remember the restrained piano intro, the keening vocal of the first verse, the sudden explosion of drums, the vocal turning impassioned, the lady with this big scary, growly voice singing about how the night belonged to lovers. I had no idea what she was really on about, but whoever these "lovers" were, they obviously were not messing about. I remember Pan's People dancing to it on TOTP, and my Dad's head making one of its occasional appearances from behind the paper. Wouldn't you ?

I don't buy most of the orthodoxy on Patti Smith. I didn't spend any teenage nights in a reverie to "Horses". I had the Smiths for that. I never felt the desire to buy any of her albums, despite loving this song (written by Bruce Springsteen- maybe that made the difference). I don't want to own certain great songs, for fear that I'll play them to death and they'll lose their appeal. But I did finally buy this, on the "Land" compilation a couple of years ago. It was, and still is, glorious. "Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe, love is the banquet on which we feed".

My best mate and his girlfriend have recently asked me to do a cartoon of them. I can imagine if Kate Moss were to marry a plastic surgeon and ask if he could touch her up (so to speak..), how he would feel............. Just started it and suffice to say it will probably use up a LOT of sketch paper............

Was accused of "looking like a clean living sort" the other day. Of all the bloody cheek. Been drinking like a fish ever since. How else can you sleep in this heat ? Well, OK, there is that. You dirty-minded shower.

Before I attempt to form any sort of opinion on what's happening in Lebanon right now, can anyone inform me to what extent Hezbollah represent the consensus of Lebanese political opinion ? And why would any Lebanese person co-operate with Syria, when Syria assassinated their PM about a year or so ago ? This is not sarcasm-I'm seriously bemused.

Was subjected this week to that oh-so-American thought experiment where you have to read what you see in the phrase "LOVEISNOWHERE" (did you read "love is nowhere" ?- shake off that negative mindset ! It's "love is now here"!)I thought I'd try something similar. Yes, it's been that boring a weekend so far- what can you perceive in this one, kids ?

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Just back from Edinburgh. Hotter than a snakeshit on the train, and no aircon........ Still, beats hanging around in airports. Feel pretty rested, though the oppressive weather is a drain. That plus drinking til 1.30 and getting up at 7.30.

Do you ever find you that the pressures of everyday modern life make you feel "frustrated" ? Does this "frustration" ever get too much to cope with ? My advice to you is- stamp on someone's groin with a studded football boot. You will feel so much better- and if any retarded authority figure attempts to reprimand you for this, then just remember, he's old, slow, and his wife don't give him none. Repeat this mantra as many times as possible under your breath as you head for your early bath. Or, if you wish, sing it to the tune of "The Camptown Races". Oh, dee doo dar day.............. And never fear, for the next day, your national press will imply that your victim had it coming all along. Oh, dee doo dar day...................